i'm here! i'm here!

but nobody heard

july 27

sorry for going quiet diary. i thought i would never write here again, but sam said i should. after everything that happened, this doesn't feel like my diary anymore. it feels bad. a diary should be secret, not shown to the world. but i think everything has died down now and no one will be coming here anymore, but just in case: if you came here to make fun of me, fuck you! my angel will get you just like he got jillian.

i should probably explain everything that happened. when i ran into jillian at the library she found out about my website and sent it to everyone at school. she showed it to sam too, trying to get her to hate me. i guess she realized she finally had something on me that could ruin my life, and of course she used it against me because she's evil. a lot of people ended up freaking out about it and thought i was crazy. and trust me, if i had gone back to school after that, i would have started punching. so honestly what i did was for the best, even though it seems crazy now.

i freaked out. especially when people from school started leaving comments on my website. it really scared me that everyone knew could suddenly see all my thoughts. i was mostly scared that sam would see what i wrote about her and never want to speak to me again. so i ran away. i didn't even know where to go, i just threw a bunch of stuff in a bag and left. i was so angry and overwhelmed and sad that i didn't think at all. i went to the storm drain first, thinking i could hide in there a few days. but i didn't think it through. there were still demons down there, and i didn't have any way to protect myself from them.

i guess my parents called the police pretty soon after i left because they couldn't find me. there was a whole search party gathered and everything, and when i finally got too scared and left the drain, they found me right away. i was only gone for about 8 hours. i really didn't think anyone would freak out about me missing. it scared me so bad when the police yelled at me when i was just walking down the street. they made me get in their car and ride back to my house. when i got home it was even worse.

my parents were so mad at me. they yelled at me forever, asking why i left and what the hell was happening. i didn't know what to even say. it was the hardest thing in the world trying to get them to understand that everyone hated me and i just wanted to leave. they must have seen my website too because they asked me about the demons. i didn't want to talk about it but they forced me. i felt crazy trying to explain.

they acted really different around me for the next few days. i really hated that. they weren't exactly angry anymore, but they were just weird, like worried, but also kind of afraid of me. or for me. it made me feel sick to my stomach. i didn't talk to anyone else for a long time either. well, maybe it was just a week but it felt like forever. everyone knew i was home and okay, but i didn't want to talk to them. i still thought they all hated me. i was so scared to talk to sam, but she came to me first.

my parents let her come see me in my room, and i was shocked she wanted to see me at all. we talked for a long time about what happened and she said she had no idea i was going through all this. she said she wished i had told her about it cause maybe she could have helped, but i told her there was nothing she could have done. her saying that still made me feel better though.

she also said she really liked my website and all my art and collages and stuff. she even thought the way i wrote about her was sweet. i was so embarassed when she mentioned that. i thought everything would be over if she found out how i really felt about her, but i couldn't believe what she told me next. she said it was funny because she wrote about me the same way in her own journal. she said i should read it and then we would both be embarassed, and that would make us even.

she wished that she had seen my website sooner. i told her i wouldn't have been truthful if i knew she was reading it, and she said she understood that.

a few days later i was feeling a little better, but nothing had changed with the demons. just because my parents told me none of it was real didn't mean they stopped showing up places. i was so exhausted but i had to keep drawing them in secret so they would go away. i still needed to protect the world. but a few nights ago i had a dream where my angel came to me again. he seemed sad, and he held me in his arms. his huge wings wrapped all around me and his feathers were so soft and golden yellow. i didn't know angels could feel guilty, but he said he did. he told me that this never should have gone on as long as it did. he realized i couldn't handle so much on my own and it was time for someone else to take on the role of defeating demons. i was glad to hear that, but he said that meant i wouldn't see him anymore. he said he would always be there to watch over me, but he would leave my dreams from now on.

i didn't want him to go. as much as it hurt me when he needed me to protect the world all on my own, i still loved him. i needed him. he had been there for me for so long. but he said i had plenty of people who loved me in my real life, and not just in my dreams.

he told me he would do something to make it up to me, and he smiled in this really strange way i had never seen him smile before, like the smile you get right before you tell the punchline of a joke and you can't help but laugh. before i could ask him what he meant, i woke up.

then it happened the next day.

i was alone, just hiding in my room like i had been, when sam called me. she was all excited and asked me if i heard what happened. i was like no?? and she told me that jillian was on her fancy summer camp retreat and when she was riding a horse, she got bucked off and broke her arm in two places. sam heard that she cried like a baby and apparently she had to leave early and miss out on the rest of the trip.

i couldn't believe it. i was too excited at the time to realize, but now i know it was my angel. that was his final favor to me to make up for everything. his devilish smile proved it.

things have sort of gone back to normal now. abbie and rachael are even talking to me again, and i guess they felt really bad about jillian picking on me. i guess a lot of people did too. some of the people who saw my website actually did like it, and they've been really nice lately. obviously there are still assholes who have been making fun of me, but i don't care anymore. my angel is still watching over me and he'll kick their asses.

well, i think that's everything that's been going on since i last updated you, diary. things aren't too bad now. my parents are a little cooler about it all, and i haven't seen a demon since jillian broke her arm. i know my angel kept his word, i just hope the next person who has to protect the world has an easier time. it's hard work. i'm really happy i can live a normal life now and it's not so scary going outside anymore knowing that i won't run into a bunch of demons. actually, i'm going out today to get ice cream with sam. it will be our first official date :)

well, i gotta go soon. catch ya later, diary!

july 8

so i'm grounded for the week and they finally took away my computer. i'm in the library now writing this. they said i could come here to get a book or cd or whatever but i'm not allowed to go anywhere else. they're really mad at me. my dad doesn't care as much because he never liked jillian but my mom is all worried. i don't care. i just want to talk to sam but her parents grounded her too.

i messaged her a few minutes ago and she never responded. they still have her stuff i guess. i might try to call her on the phone after midnight but i'm scared someone else will pick up. this is all so unfair. but the real reason i came here was to write down my dream from last night.

i saw my angel for the first time in a long time. he wasn't angry or happy. he looked sad. i've never seen him sad before. everything was covered in that still relfective water again, but the sky was all dark and swirly like there was about to be a big storm. he was right in front of me, and he knelt down and told me he was sorry. i was angry and upset but i was too tired to say anything. he said sorry again and told me it was his fault for putting me through so much. he said it wasn't supposed to go on for this long. i didn't understand and i tried to ask him what he meant, but i woke up.

i have been trying to figure it out all morning. what the hell did he mean? why didn't he say anyth

i think i just saw jillian

i have to go

july 4

i'm so so stupid for thinking things could ever be okay.

maybe this fucking world doesn't need saving. maybe everyone in it deserves to die. what am i doing all this for? why should i stop the demons from destroying every ungrateful terrible person who only wants to hurt me? i've never been given any proof that this is worth it. i only get hurt over and over again.

this was supposed to be a good day. sam finally came home. i literally wanted to meet her at the airport but my mom wouldn't take me, so i just waited until she got to her house then we met at the ice cream place. it felt like i hadn't seen her in years. i missed her so fucking much and she missed me too. she told me about her trip and her family and everything they saw. i never thought i could miss someone's voice like that.

she asked what i had been doing and i didn't even know what to say. i couldn't be honest and say i was being miserable and feeling like i was going to die the whole time. i told her i was good and that i had been drawing a lot, which was the truth. she got kinda quiet when i didn't have much to say. it felt so awkward.

she asked if i wanted to do something tonight for the 4th of july and i told her i didn't have any plans but i would do something if she wanted to do something. so she said we should go to the park where they have the party every year. it was always fun when we were kids, but it also felt really wrong. i went through so much while she was gone. i didn't think i could go back to normal just like that. we went anyway. i wasn't going to complain, i just wanted to be with her again. it was a huge mistake.

i should have guessed i would see jillian there. she always goes every year and screams at anyone who gets too close to her with fireworks even though she always throws them at other people. sam actually saw her first, and she made us go over to a spot far away from her and abbie and rachael. we avoided them most of the night, but at some point jillian saw us and kept looking over at us where we were sitting in the grass. since there were so many people i didn't notice the demons walking around as much, but there was one right next to jillian the whole time. it was watching her like she was watching us. she had a bottle rocket in her hand and pointed it right at us.

sam got freaked out and made us move, but jillian wouldn't leave us alone. eventually sam yelled at her. the demon was still right by jillian. i would have been angry too but i was watching it and thinking it might do something to her. sam went over and smacked the rocket out of her hand and they started fighting. abbie and rachael were just watching. so was i. jillian said something really terrible to sam. she called her a nasty lesbian and that's when i finally got pissed off. i jumped on her. i don't remember what i said, but i wrestled her to the ground and screamed at her and she pulled my hair so hard it made me cry. i think i really hit her that time. really hard right in the face. she was screaming and kicking me and two parents i didn't know came over and were grabbing us trying to get us apart.

my parents found me and took me home. sam's parents gave me this look like i was crazy. my mom took my phone away but i could still message sam on my computer. i told her i was sorry. she didn't respond so i think they took her things away too.

it wasn't my fault. it wasn't sam's fault either. but it's always me that gets in trouble.

june 29

i'm counting the days until she gets home.

only a few more, and everything will be fine. i haven't been texting her as much because i was so scared of bothering her. she still messages me a lot though. i think she might be worried. i just try to act normal and happy but maybe that's why she's worried. because happy isn't normal for me. everything is fine, though. it's just like it was back in april. i know what i'm doing and i can handle it. i have to keep the world safe.

my mom acts weird too. i think she can see through it like sam. she sometimes asks about sam and i tell her that she's fine and i'm fine and everything is great. i don't hear from jillian. i don't hear from the angel. things are great.

june 25

a few days ago my head started hurting so much that i got scared i might die from not sleeping. i don't know if that's possible, but i decided that maybe if i drew a few more demons, i could go to sleep and my angel wouldn't be mad at me. it worked. i did a few drawings and the demons went away and then i fell asleep. no dreams. i have been sleeping at night again since then and drawing during the day. it's hard to keep up but i'm doing it. as long as i do as much as i can in the day, he won't be disappointed and he won't be in my dreams.

my mom keeps trying to get me to go out of the house and i have to keep making up excuses for why i can't. i'm scared i'll see one while being with her. what if we're driving and one gets in the car? i just have to stay in my room. i can see a few from my window. that's fine. i can draw those and then go to sleep.

i can do this. it will be okay. i'm just doing what i have to. i don't matter, i know the world matters more than me. i have to keep going for sam.

june 20

this is th first time i've written in this diary outside of my room. it feels weird. im in the library. just trying to stay awak and out of the house. im really tired. if im in my room too long i start to fall asleep and i see him. he's trying really ahrd to talk to me but i just wake myself up. i dont want to talk. i don;t want my parents to ask if i'm okay either so i just stay out of the house. demons are still everywhere. more and more of them. i'm so tired i walked to the library and i kept my head down and i dindt have to see them. it was okay. i dont think they really want to hurt me. i've only drawn a few in the past few days.

i can;t fall asleep. i don't even want to write this anymore. i know he's here.

june 16

LEAVE ME ALONE

june 15

sam left today. i don't think i can do this without her. it's so much all the time. when i get to hang out with her during the day, even if i still see demons, it's way less scary.

she only left this morning and it's already so hard. i texted her like 10 times but she couldn't respond on the plane. i feel bad like i'm being so annoying, but she said it was fine. i just wish i could tell her what's really going on so she would understand. but i can't. i'm so scared that she will freak out. she wouldn't believe me and would never want to speak to me again.

they are everywhere. right outside my house. i can hear them and i can see their shadows on my curtains like they are waiting for me to look outside. i don't want to see them anymore. i don't want to have to draw them. i can't be the only person in the world who has to deal with this.

i feel so so alone. i can't just text sam all week and ruin her time in california. i have to deal with this myself.

june 13

i'm really upset. i shouldn't be, because i shouldn't be surprised, but it still hurts. i saw jillian today. i was shopping with my mom and she was there too with her dad. she wouldn't look at me.

she just messaged me a bit ago and asked if i was doing anything tomorrow and i was so confused. i asked her why and said i thought she hated me. she told me i was just being dramatic. i don't want to hang out with her at all after all the names she called me, so i told her i was busy with sam. she didn't respond for a long time and all the sudden she sent this big message about how

actually i'll just copy and past it here:

--

jillian: hey

me: hey?

jillian: u busy tmrrw?

me: why? i didnt think u wanted to hang out w me

jillian: dont be a drama queen. answer the question

me: yeah im gonna be with sam all day

*after like 10 minutes*

jillian: i hope u know thatno one is buying ur crazy bullshit. if u want ppl to feel bad for you so bad then dont act like you have never done anything wrong. you always make everythign about you and get so mad when ppl want to live their own lives. well guess what. the world doesnt revolve around u. i have been ur friend for longest and i know it better than anyone. sam is gonna know it to. the way ur always hanging our w her is freaky and gross. good thing for u shes gullible enough to fall for it. not like me. see ya

--

i didn't respond.

june 6

sam doesn't believe in demons. we started talking about it today when we were getting mcdonalds and i saw one outside in the parking lot, just standing there. i asked her if she thought they were real. she said if she believed in demons she would have to believe in ghosts and god too. i guess she didn't believe in any of that, then.

i never believed in any of that stuff before all of this either. at least i don't think i did. i'm not really so sure about god and all of that either, but that changed when i saw my angel for the first time. i don't remember when that was. maybe a year ago now? he just started coming to me in my dreams and then a while later the demons started showing up. there was only one or two a month back then. i miss those days.

sam told me even if demons were real, no one has actually been hurt by one, at least not in a case that could be definitively proven. i guess she was right, but i have also been working my ass off to keep the demons contained in my drawings. if i stopped, they could start hurting people.

i couldn't be the only person doing this job. there must have been someone before me, and there's gonna be someone after me, right? i know i can't do this forever.

june 2

it doesn't say a whole lot about demons in the bible. there's supposed to be way more angels than demons, and angels were supposed to be the ones fighting them off. god was supposed to protect people from them. but i have seen way more demons than angels. i know i can't have proof for everything, but i feel like i should have seen more than one angel by now if they are really real. if god is supposed to protect humans from demons, then why am i doing it?

my angel always looks happy when i see him. he's proud of me. he tells me i have to continue to work for the sake of humanity. the dreams make me so tired, it's like i don't get any sleep at all. i'm up every night as it is trying to finish the drawings. there's maybe 10 demons every day now. sometimes they are the same ones i've seen. those are the strongest ones. but most of the time they are new and i've never seen them before. there's just too many and i'm only one person. i'm so tired.

the bible doesn't say anything about killing demons either. it's not something people can just do, only god can torture them or something. i don't think i could kill anything, but if it would stop them permanently from coming back, that would be better for the world. then i wouldn't have to do so much every day. i don't know how i'm going to figure that out. its not something i can just ask about. i would sound crazy.

if only my angel would give me useful information like that. sometimes he has a sword when i see him, so what's he using that for? i really wish i had gotten that sword for christmas. the demons would know not to mess with me then.

may 28

why does everyone think i can't decide things for myself?

when i got home from sam's house today my mom came up to my room and asked what was wrong with me and jillian. i told her she was terrible and mean now, and she was like "you have been friends since you were kids" like that means anything. and i was like "well she changed and now she's awful". she asked about what happened with rachael and abbie and i told her they were just jillian's friends, not mine, and when she decided she hated me, they did too.

my mom doesn't get anything. she just thinks everything will work out and everyone should love each other. i don't care how long me and jillian have been friends. she turned on me when i never even did anything to her. i don't want to be friends with someone like that. i don't know what my mom's problem is with sam either. she thinks i shouldn't only have one friend and that i should make up with jillian. sam is all i need. she actually cares about me.

i was drawing when my mom came in and she saw the demon i was working on. she asked why i always draw such scary things and for just a second i almost told her the truth. i wanted to flat out say that i was the only person holding everything down. if i didn't draw the demons, they would take over the world and terrible things would happen. but i didn't say that. i just told her maybe she shouldn't have such a small idea about what art should be.

not everything is just as easy as making up with people who hurt you or drawing nice things instead of scary things. that doesn't magically make the world a better place.

may 23

i can't believe it's over! it feels like a dream. or maybe like a prank, like tomorrow my mom will wake me up and be like "just kidding, you still have another week of school!". we're finally out. me and sam walked to the pool first thing after school because it was finally open. it was totally crowded though and it sucked. i hate the way it feels like everyone is looking at me. sam never seems to care about that.

i'm still nervous about high school. i wish i could just relax and not think about it since school is out, but it keeps coming back into my head. everyone keeps talking about it, even my parents. they're so excited. they act like i'm moving away to college when i'm literally just going to a different building.

sam told me she's going on vacation to california in a few weeks. she's gonna be there a while since she's staying with family. i'm not looking forward to that. what am i going to do without her after we made all those plans? i'm so annoyed that everyone always goes on vacations and i don't. i wish she would take me with her.

i should be drawing the demon i saw today. it was sitting on the bench at the bus stop right next to a guy who looked passed out. sam noticed that i was staring when we walked by. she told me the guy was probably just sleeping and not dead. i wasn't worried about him, but i wondered if the demon would hurt him. i don't know what they can do to normal people. none of them have ever hurt me before, but they're evil, so they must be up to something, right? hopefully i'll never find out if i just keep drawing them and taking away their power.

may 19

they did the awards for the art competition today. i didn't win.

sam didn't win either, and she was like "the judges are fucking idiots". i mean you should have seen what won. it was some stupid painting of a sunset. literally. that girl only won because she has a bunch of money and her parents donate to the school or whatever. that's what sam said anyway. it made me feel a lot better, and i got to get my art back and take it home which was good. i didn't like having it up on the wall for that long. it felt like the demon was watching me everytime i walked through the hallway.

me and sam went to get ice cream after school. she said we should cheer ourselves up, but she wasn't upset at all. maybe she just wanted to cheer me up.

she asked me if i would draw a demon for her, so i did, even though i'm really sick of drawing the,. it was weird making one up out of thin air instead of drawing it based on one i saw in real life. when i was done, it looked like a bunch of demons patched together. it wasn't very scary. but maybe it just didn't seem like that to me because i never saw it off the page.

sam saw that i was rubbing my hand and asked if i was okay. i said i was fine and i had just been drawing a lot. she really liked the drawing and she put it in her own sketch book for safe keeping. she's the only person who likes my drawings. i'm glad she doesn't have to know what the demons really look like though. they keep getting more scary and they show up in places they never have before. places i thought were safe. it's getting really hard to draw them all, but i know i have to. if i don't, they could hurt sam, so i'll keep doing it for as long as it takes.

may 12

oh god. i'm in a lot of trouble.

a demon was in my homeroom today. i just walked into class and there it was, standing in front of the teacher's desk. it was really tall and had all these ripped up wings down its sides like arms. i thought it had a weirdly wide body with no head, but then it turned around and its head was hanging down the front of its chest. its neck was stretched. it looked at me upside down with a big black mouth full of teeth.

i left the room and my teacher came after me, but i hid in the bathroom. i was crying. she kept asking me what was wrong from outside the door and i just told her my cramps were really bad so she would leave me alone. i was so scared. i've never seen one like that before. all of them are scary, but most of them look mostly human. not like that.

i guess other people saw me run away and they were talking about it. they all think i'm crazy. when i saw jillian in gym, she asked me what happened. i said it was nothing, because she would never understand. i guess i sounded like a bitch because she got really mad and yelled that i was a liar and i just wanted attention by acting like a freak. i hit her arm, not even that hard, but she freaked out and started crying. everyone was staring at me. i barely even touched her and she acted like i tried to kill her.

we had to go to the office and tell the principle what happened and she totally fucking lied and said i punched her. i told him she was calling me a freak and yelling at me but he acted like it was all my fault and i got sent home. my parents are so mad at me.

i'm not a freak i'm not crazy and i'm not lying for attention. i haven't lied about anything. i fucking got in trouble for not saying anything! i have to lie or else it will be worse for me and for the whole world.

if they could see what i see, they would never go outside again. they have no idea what i do to keep this world safe.

may 3

only twenty days till i get out of this place!

me and sam were talking about it at school all day. we're gonna hang out all summer. walk to the park and go shopping together and go to the pool and stay up all night. she told me i can come over whenever i want if i want to sleep over.

she was also really excited about finally going to high school. i guess it will be cool. we'll finally get to do what we want to do and choose our classes and stuff. she has this idea that it will be totally different and we'll be way more grown up, but i don't know how that can happen. we're only going to be one year older anyway. i don't think i can handle a whole new change on top of what i'm already going through. i definitely don't want anymore homework, that's for sure.

what if sam becomes really different, but i don't?

april 28

at this point, i would rather be crazy than for any of this to be real.

there's still a lot of demons. at least 3 or 4 everyday. my hand hurts from drawing and i can only do a few at a time. i think i can make it work, though. there's a rhythm to all of it. i go to school, i act normal, i try not to punch anyone, i see a demon, i record it, i go home, i try not to dream. it's not that bad, really. oh, also i have to do homework. but being some kind of weird demon-slaying super hero isn't as hard as it seems. i don't get much sleep, and i'm pretty sure i have a D in algebra, but i think i'll get by.

summer break isn't far away either. if i don't have to go to school, i don't have to go outside. if i don't have to go outside, i won't see any demons. if i don't see them, they're not my responsibility, right? my angel would tell me otherwise. i also learned that if you're exhausted, you don't tend to dream. that's been working well for me.

april 23

dear diary i fucking hate jillian. she is obsessed with me. completely obsessed! she's fucking lying about me and trying to get everyone to hate me. well, i guess she isn't completely lying but she it still trying to make people think i'm crazy! i've been leaving her alone because she clearly hates me, but she still texts me sometimes like nothing's wrong.

she came up to me at school today because i havent been responding and she asked what my deal was. i didn't even know what to say. sam was with me and immediately asked her why she was bothering us when she clearly didn't want anything to do with me. sam said "i know you only want to talk to her so you can spread more rumors". jillian was like whatever, and finally left. i asked sam what she meant by that, because i didn't hear about any rumors.

sam really didn't want to tell me, but i got her to. she said jillian told her that i believed i had a guardian angel. she immediately told me she thought it was sweet, not crazy. i couldn't say anything.

i don't know if i should have told her anything. i just acted like it was silly and i was just speaking metaphorically when i told that to jillian. sam just said that jillian was a bully and i didn't need to worry about her anymore. she was going to make sure jillian didn't bother me.

i wish i could be more like sam. she is so nice no matter what, but she can also stand up for herself. i wish i could do that.

april 18

my heart feels like it's going to explode.

i don't know how to feel about all of this. i can't say it outloud and i definitely can't talk to anyone about it. no one would understand. i just feel so happy. there is finally one person who really gets me. i can't tell her either because it's about her. if she ever found out, i'm not sure how she would respond. maybe she likes me the same way? or maybe not. i wish i could just ask but i'm so scared.

when i'm not drawing demons, i'm drawing her. she's the prettiest girl in the world. i can't stop smiling when i think about her and i only want to hang out with her all the time. i love everything she draws and says and every joke she makes and when she gets mad at random things. i like that she's so smart and she is so much tougher than me. if there was anyone else in the world who could defeat the demons, it would be her. but i'm glad i'm doing it instead of her, because i want her to be happy. she's my best friend in the world.

april 11

this has been a sucky week and i just want to die.

i decided to tell sam about what jillian did. i didn't tell her that jillian was telling people about my angel though. i learned my lesson and will never tell anyone about that, no matter how much i trust them. but i did tell her that jillian was talking shit about me and saying i was crazy. sam was furious, and she said she would never talk to jillian again.

it made me feel better, but also guilty. like, we all used to be best friends. me, jillian, abbie, rachael and sam. we've known each other since we were babies. but now we were split apart, and it was all my fault for being so weird. i didn't want sam to lose her friends just because they didn't like me anymore. i feel so terrible. she seemed really angry though, so maybe she hates jillian just as much as me. i don't want to hate jillian or anyone. i wish everyone would get along again. i really don't think rachael or abbie hate me, but they always go along with jillian. i don't know what to do.

april 9

something happened again today. it was just like that weird thing that happened a while ago, when i knew what was about to happen because i saw it in a dream. but this time, it was jillian.

i had this dream last night that jillian rachael and abbie were talking about me outside mrs. belinski's class. i didn't know what they were saying, but i could tell it was bad and i woke up feeling like like i was going to cry.

when i got to school, the exact same thing happened. i couldn't believe it at first. i thought i was having deja vu or something because i heard them all talking outside the class just like in the dream. i was just going to walk past, but they didn't notice me so i stopped to listen. i heard jillian saying that she doesn't hang out with me anymore because i'm crazy. she said i was a liar and dillusional and a freak. she told them about my angel, even though i told her never to tell another person about that. how could she do that? why does she hate me so much?

i think i was supposed to do something. maybe in the dream i went over to her and stood up for myself, but in real life i just ran into the bathroom to hide.

april 4

i can't sleep.

there was another demon today. it's like theres more and more all the time now. i can't keep up with drawing all of them, but that's the only way to stop them. i'm the only one who can take their power away, but there's just so many now. i've been wondering if maybe there's other people out there like me. maybe someone else can see demons too. maybe someone else has an angel that comes to them in their dreams. i know it's not normal, and i know i would sound crazy if i tried to tell anyone about it, because it IS crazy. maybe im just crazy.

my mom is always asking me if i'm okay. every night i try to get back into that dream and talk to my angel again, but i haven;t had any dreams. i think about it so hard before i fall asleep, hoping that it will make it happen again, but instead i just lay awake all night. i'm tired. i can't remember if i have homework to do. i don't have time to do it because i have to draw the five demons i saw the past few days. theres too many.

i cant keep my eyes open

march 29

my angel was in my dreams again and i don't know what to do.

it was just like last time. i didn't realize i was dreaming because it was just a normal day at school, but then all the sudden i was alone in my class. it was so quiet, and it was really bright outside the windows that i couldn't see the trees or the buildings. it was just all white. then my angel was standing there at the front of the class. i was sitting in my desk, and he was so close to me. more close than he has ever been. i could see the color of his eyes, and they were hazel like mine, but so light they were almost yellow. his hair was long and dark and his robe was soft looking and white like clean sheets. from this close, his wings looked giant. they were all tucked in like he could barely fit in the room if he opened them. he was smiling too. just like last time, he looked happy.

i was frozen in my desk. i tried to talk to him because i had so many questions and now he was finally close enough to hear them, but i couldn't speak. i opened my mouth and talked, but no sound came out. i asked him why he was here, and he only smiled. then he walked towards me, and his hands came out from under the big sleeves of his robe and he had to lean down far to touch my face. he was much taller than i ever expected and it frightened me.

i didn't feel it when he touched me. it was just like a dream where you can't really feel anything touch you, yet it was as real as how it feels sitting in my room right now, writing this. his yellow eyes stared into me, but they were sort of comforting even though i was kinda freaked out. he was finally right there, but i couldn't even talk to him. i started yelling, but no sound came out. he didn't respond to any of my questions. but finally he spoke.

it's hard to remember because everything was hazy after i woke up, but he said my name, and he said that he had always been there, and he would continue to be there for me whenever i needed him. he said it was an honor to be serving the girl who would save the world.

march 27

AAAAAA!!!!!! you will not believe what happened!!!!

so they're doing an art competition at school for the end of the year and everyone in my art class is submitting stuff. i didn't want to, but sam told me i should because my art is really good. she told me to submit one of the drawings i did of a demon i saw. she said that was my best work yet. i'm really nervous to submit it because i don't really want that many people to see my art, but she told me i would totally win.

sam also submitted a really cool drawing she did of a character from one of her favorite animes. she keeps trying to get me to watch it, but everytime i try to sit down to watch tv, i get distracted. it's like my brain won't let me just watch something. i have too much to do anyway! i have demons to draw for all my fans when i win this art competition. maybe if i give them to other people, the demons will go away in real life permanently. at the beginning of the day, i didn't want anyone to see my art, but now i think everyone could like it, just like they like sam's art.

march 18

it's been hard to keep up lately drawing the demons. there's just so many of them. i thought it got a little better after february ended, but now they are back and it's like they're everywhere. what gives?

i already filled up a sketchbook with them. some of them keep coming back too, like the one in the sewer and the one i see at the park feeding the pigeons. there's something about them that's much stronger than the rest. i hope there aren't many more of those. sometimes when i'm walking with sam i will see them and it will scare me, then i have to act normal so she doesn't suspect anything.

i really need a sign. i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing. i just know it's something. only i can see the demons and control them. but it's a lot of work for one girl. i wish my angel would help me.

march 14

i think the only thing i don't like about sam is that she doesn't listen to mcr. she doesn't even like fall out boy! i mean she likes one song, but it's sugar we're going down, and it's only because it's on the radio. i guess she does like panic at the disco, but i think it's only because she thinks they're cute. gerard way is cute!! why can't she get into mcr for that reason??

what i do like about sam is that she is a really good drawer. she drew me today actually. it was like me but in anime style and it was really cool. she gave me this bad ass outfit in the drawing too. i like how she can just come up with things like drawings and stories and stuff. she told me about an idea she had for a comic where two girls wake up from a coma in a post-apocalyptic world, and they wander around together and almost starve until they find a time machine and they decide to travel into the past before everything was destroyed so they wouldn't die. and then they do, and it turns out everyone else had that same idea, so now every time period in civilization is packed with people from their present, and everyone is still starving because there are too many people.

she has like a ton of other ideas like that too. all these crazy stories she wants to write. i wish i could be that creative. i think i'm a good drawer, but she is just amazing. i love that her favorite animal is a centipede. i love that she likes to go down into the sewer with me. i love that she wants to move to montana because no one else lives there. she has so many ideas. i've never really cared when other people talk about their lives and their drama and stuff, but i think everything she says is interesting.

march 11

all this cold weather has made me so depressed. things haven't been as bad these past few weeks, but they still aren't great. it was finally a nice day today. the weather made me feel a little less terrible. my mom decided she wanted to go shopping and she made me come with her for some reason when i just wanted to stay home and draw. it really got on my nerves, but then we went and got ice cream at the mall and we went to hot topic and she let me get these totally cool fishnet gloves. she said she thought they were cool too. she told me she liked my style and was happy that i can express myself through my clothes. that was really weird. she's never said anything like that to me before. i always thought she hated my clothes because she usually tells me i should try to wear colors other than black. i just said 'okay' and then we talked about something else.

when we were driving home i was texting sam and mom asked me who i was talking to. i almost lied. i don't know why. i wanted to say jillian or abbie because i just didn't want to say sam. it was stupid. it's not like i'm hiding anything. me and sam have been friends since we were babies. it wouldn't be weird if i was texting her. i told my mom it was sam and she said something like 'you two have been hanging out a lot' and i was like 'yeah because jillian is a bitch'. she told me i shouldn't talk that way about my friends, even if they did hurt my feelings. whatever. after that she didn't ask me any more questions. i didn't want to talk about it anyway.

march 6

something really weird happened today.

i was in the cafeteria with sam, and we were about to leave after getting our food so we could eat in the hallway like we usually do. as we were walking out the door, i suddenly got a weird feeling like this had all happened before. and yeah, it had, because we did this everyday, but this was different. it was like i remembered that exact moment. because i knew someone was about to run in through the door at the same time as us, and bump into sam and make her drop all her food.

i stopped walking and grabbed sam's arm without thinking. and then some guy ran in through the door and just barely missed her. he even stopped and said sorry like five times, cause he totally would have crashed into her if i hadn't stopped her right then.

sam just thanked me for noticing the guy before she did, but the thing is, i never saw him coming. it's just that the exact same thing happened in my dream last night.

i didn't say anything about it. what would i even say? we just went on with our day like normal. but i couldn't stop thinking about it. it's so weird.

february 27

he came back.

i just woke up. i have to write this down now before i forget. in the dream, i was walking through the hall at school and i was with sam. we were talking and she was laughing. then we went outside and everything looked a little weird and different. like instead of the normal parking lot, there was just a field of grass, and no buildings or cars or anything. and i looked around confused, but sam didn't notice anything, she just kept talking. and then she was holding my hand. and when i looked back at the school, it was gone. and there was that same pool of water from my other dream, like an ocean that goes on forever but it is so still it looks like glass. and way out in the water i saw my angel standing there. he was smiling. not like a regular smile like last time, but like a really happy smile. he was far away, but i could see the way his eyes squinted from the smile. it was like he couldn't keep it in. he was so happy. and sam was still holding my hand, and when i looked at her, she was smiling too. they were both so warm and happy, and i couldn't help it, i just smiled and smiled and i felt like i never wanted to leave that moment.

i woke up, and i didn't know where i was for a minute. i was so confused that i had even been dreaming. it felt so real. but writing this down and thinking about the still ocean and my angel, i know it was just a dream, and i feel silly for being so confused. i wish it was real. i know my angel is real, but i want the dream world to be real too. i wish i could live in it.

february 14

do you ever wonder how much people are thinking that they don't actually say? like when i tell someone something that i have been thinking about, it's only like, one third of what i was actually thinking. the rest gets all weird and confusing and hard to turn into words.

i hate that i will never actually know what someone else is thinking. people can only tell you so much. they rest stays trapped in their heads. if i could read minds, i think that would fix everything. people don't even think in words most of the time, but i could feel what they are feeling. maybe i could learn everything just from a little burst of color in their head. then i would know everything. not just one third.

if i could see what people are thinking, or feel what people are thinking, i would know them so much better. i could feel it with them. and maybe if my telepathy works both ways, i could send them how i'm feeling too.

february 9

i totally forgot how fun it was to just hang out in someone's room and talk. me and sam spend almost 5 hours together at her house. i was really worried it would be awkward with just us, but it was super fun. plus her cat is really cute and funny. i hadn't seen him in a long time.

i don't even know how you come up with conversation topics, but they just happen. she's so easy to talk to. she has so much to say. i think most of the time i don't really know what to say to people, but sam but makes me feel like i could say anything. and sometimes it's stupid, but it's also fun. we would start talking about the weirdest stuff and she wouldn't judge me. there was no chance to bring up jillian or anything shitty that's been going on, which was nice.

she started talking about valentine's day and asked if there was anyone i liked in our class. i was like no way. and she said she didn't really think about it either, but she was just curious if i did. i don't give a shit about boys. they're all so annoying and i really just want candy and cute stickers and stuff. i told sam that as far as i'm concerned, valentines is about not having class and eating chocolate, not love. gross. she agreed with that. yeah, i think we're gonna get along great.

february 5

i think sam is my new best friend. everyone finally started talking to me again. well, expect jillian. but i don't really care if she talks to me or not. i was so mad before, but it's okay. it was stupid.

sam is really good at drawing. i told her i liked to make art and she wanted to see, so i showed her some of my drawings of my angel. just the good ones. i didn't want to show her any of my collages because i think they might freak her out. no one understands demons. but she showed me some of her art and she's really good. she likes cartoons and anime and stuff, and she draws a lot of cute anime characters really well. it's so nice to finally be around someone who makes things.

maybe i'll show her my demon collages sometime. i just think she might take it the wrong way. but she also had cool drawings of fight scenes from anime that are super bloody and brutal, so maybe she would get it.

when i got home from school my mom had bought donuts and that was awesome. right now i'm just hanging out in my room and texting sam. she wants me to come over on the weekend :) i'm excited to go to school tomorrow just so i can talk to her again.

february 2

long time no see, diary.

i haven't had much to write about lately. school sucks, friends suck, parents suck. i think the only good thing in my life right now is music and art. i've been finding and cataloging more demons that i've come across in town. they get way worse during february, so i'm being extra vigilant. i think it's because february is the worst fucking month ever.

it helps to make art of them. i think the more i make, the less i see them in the real world. it's like they get trapped in the picture.

i think the real reason i'm writing this now is because i had another dream about my angel last night. this isn't even a diary anymore. i should change the name to "angel sightings" or something. but anyway in the dream i was standing on this hill, or maybe like the edge of a cliff. it was all grey and cloudy and i could see my angel very far away in the clouds, just standing there like there was some surface hidden behind the cloud. maybe he was flying, but his wings weren't moving. and he wasn't looking at me, so i called to him. in the dream, i think i called a name. i don't even know his name though. but he looked my way.

the only reason i even came online today instead of wasting away in my room was because of this dream. because for the very first time ever, he smiled at me.

january 21

i hate pretending like everything is normal. my friends are acting like nothing happened. they wont even mention the party or the fact that they totally fucking flaked on me. jillian is the worst. she's acting all nice like she didn't do anything. we even hung out at the mall and she just talked about her stupid fucking crush the whole time.

i'm the fucking worst though. i didn't aay anything. i wanted to scream at her and make her tell me what i did and tell her that she really fucking hurt my feelings but i just didn't say shit. i just smiled and acted like i was listening. i'm such a pussy. but if i say anything i know she will just make excuses and get all my friends on her side and then everyone will hate me so i can't even do anything. this sucks so much. i hate my life.

the only thing that's been good about this week is that sam has been cool. i should still be mad at her because she also went to that party without telling me, but at least she's real about it. she said she was sorry. i don't know why they all like jillian at all anyway. she's such a spoiled brat.

i'm going to try to be more positive today. its the weekend. i want to relax and have fun on my own. i don't need anyone anyway.

january 15

i was really not looking forward to going back to school but sam texted me and asked to hang out tomorrow. she was at the party but she didn't mention it. she probably just wants things to not be weird between us when we go back. i don't really care though. i missed her and i just want my friends back.

the other night my angel was there again. he was standing on the other side of the pool of water and he wasn't moving, just staring at me. his wings were all droopy and he looked sad. i remember trying to yell at him in the dream. i think i was really upset, and the fact that he was so far away was making me more mad. then it started raining over the pool of water and i couldn't see my reflection in it anymore. i could barely even see my angel anymore, except for his halo which was glowing really bright.

maybe he knew i was sad and it was making him sad too. i just wish he would actually do something about it.

january 2

JILLIAN HAD A PARTY WITHOUT ME. WHAT THE FUCK. everyone is posting pictures like it was so fun!!! well great!! i hope you all had fun without me!!! not like i was wanting to see my friends again or anything!!!

i don't know what i did. what the fuck did i do wrong? it's like nobody wants anything to do with me anymore. i'm such an idiot. i never should have told her about my angel. i just wanted her to respond because she wouldn't text me back. but now she probably thinks i'm weird or that im just lying or whatever, and she probably told everyone else too so they could all laugh at me. fuck all of them.

i want to curl up and die.

january 1

new year wooooooo

whatever

not much to report on other than my mom getting so drunk at our house party. its so embarassing oh my god. my aunt was like totally enabling her too. they were both so annoying but they did let me drink champange so that was cool at least. i just wish i didn't have to spend the new year with my family. i thought jillian would invite me to her house but she never said anything?? like i know you have a party every year, you can't hide that from me?? if i found out she didn't invite me on purpose i swear to god i will punch her right in the face. not actually. but what the fuck gives. it's like we're fighting or something, but i literally didn't do anything to her. when we get back to school she'll have to talk to me. i hope she does.

anyway my new years resolution is of course to listen to more MCR like always. but i have a new one this year. i want to talk to my angel. i just can't seem to get close enough to him in my dreams, but i have to know what he's trying to tell me.

december 28

i'm just tired. for being winter break, this has been the least relaxing few weeks of my life. or wait. has it even been 2 weeks? god it's felt like months. christmas kind of sucked. i didn't get the only thing i asked for. my mom was like "what the hell do you need a sword for" and completely blew me off. how am i supposed to explain that there's demons out there and i need to defend myself? my angel has a sword, so i know i need one too. but instead i just got some dinky jewelery that isn't even my style. i don't really know what i was expecting though. my parents just love to embarass me and make me feel bad about everything in front of my whole family. they always have to comment on my black clothes and hair. they just don't get it. my friends haven't been messaging me much either. i guess everyone is just really busy right now.

my angel came back last night, though.

i had this dream that felt like it lasted for hours and hours. he was so far away, like at the edge of this very still pool of water. he was just watching me. i tried to call to him but my voice didn't come out at all. in the moment it felt kind of scary, but when i woke up, i just felt weird. i just want to talk to him, or at least see his face. i would ask him so many questions if i could. sometimes i feel like i might see him in real life, just standing across the street or something.

december 17

SCHOOLS OVERRRR!!!!!!! for now at least. i'm so happy i don't have to go back until NEXT YEAR. everyone thinks they're so funny saying that 'see you next year' shit. like as if it isn't just two weeks away. but anyway i'm finally free. i don't even want to do anything. it's too cold to go exploring outside and the mall is too crowded to hang out there. i think i will just chill in my room and listen to MCR and draw. that's all i want to do. if anyone texts me i will just ignore them lol.

christmas is so soon it's crazy. i don't even feel like it's happening. i need to get gifts for everyone grrrrr. not enough time. i'm still hoping i get what i want this year >:3 i've been telling everyone in my family about it so they'll get the hint. maybe reverse-psychology is the better move though hmmm

december 11

this day fucking sucked. i don't really feel like talking about it. i wanted this diary to help me get stuff out of my head but i think it's just making me angrier. i know i failed my final test. i'm so fucking stupid. i didn't study at all because i was so distracted by my angel.

everytime i open my math book to study i just start drawing him on my notes. it's hard to get his face right because i don't really see it in my dreams. so i just keep drawing his wings over and over. and his sword is hard to draw, and that makes me even more angry. i feel bad for tearing up the drawing i did of him. i hope it doesn't hurt his feelings.

december 5

today, i'm not feeling so great.

my head hurts. my homework is piling up. my friends are fucking fake. i want to scream and punch walls until my throat tears open and my knuckles break. but i'm so excited for christmas. except that jillian is going to fucking disney world and i'm going to be stuck here. fake bitch. but i really hope my parents will actually get me what i've been asking for this year. like i've been hinting all year it's so obvious. but they never listen to me so i'm not even getting my hopes up.

i hope i have another dream tonight. they've been happening more and more often. maybe because i'm wishing for them. i hope that it's working.

take my fucking hand and never be afraid again