i'm here! i'm here!

but nobody heard

march 6

something really weird happened today.

i was in the cafeteria with sam, and we were about to leave after getting our food so we could eat in the hallway like we usually do. as we were alking out the door, i suddenly got a weird feeling like this had all happened before. and yeah, it had, because we did this everyday, but this was different. it was like i remembered that exact moment. because i knew someone was about to run in through the door at the same time as us, and bump into sam and make her drop all her food.

i stopped walking and grabbed sam's arm without thinking. and then some guy ran in through the door and just barely missed her. he even stopped and said sorry like five times, cause he totally would have crashed into her if i hadn't stopped her right then.

sam just thanked me for noticing the guy before she did, but the thing is, i never saw him coming. it's just that the exact same thing happened in my dream last night.

february 27

he came back.

i just woke up. i have to write this down now before i forget. in the dream, i was walking through the hall at school and i was with sam. we were talking and she was laughing. then we went outside and everything looked a little weird and different. like instead of the normal parking lot, there was just a field of grass, and no buildings or cars or anything. and i looked around confused, but sam didn't notice anything, she just kept talking. and then she was holding my hand. and when i looked back at the school, it was gone. and there was that same pool of water from my other dream, like an ocean that goes on forever but it is so still it looks like glass. and way out in the water i saw my angel standing there. he was smiling. not like a regular smile like last time, but like a really happy smile. he was far away, but i could see the way his eyes squinted from the smile. it was like he couldn't keep it in. he was so happy. and sam was still holding my hand, and when i looked at her, she was smiling too. they were both so warm and happy, and i couldn't help it, i just smiled and smiled and i felt like i never wanted to leave that moment.

i woke up, and i didn't know where i was for a minute. i was so confused that i had even been dreaming. it felt so real. but writing this down and thinking about the still ocean and my angel, i know it was just a dream, and i feel silly for being so confused. i wish it was real. i know my angel is real, but i want the dream world to be real too. i wish i could live in it.

february 8

do you ever wonder how much people are thinking that they don't actually say? like when i tell someone something that i have been thinking about, it's only like, one third of what i was actually thinking. the rest gets all weird and confusing and hard to turn into words.

i hate that i will never actually know what someone else is thinking. people can only tell you so much. they rest stays trapped in their heads. if i could read minds, i think that would fix everything. people don't even think in words most of the time, but i could feel what they are feeling. maybe i could learn everything just from a little burst of color in their head. then i would know everything. not just one third.

if i could see what people are thinking, or feel what people are thinking, i would know them so much better. i could feel it with them. and maybe i f my telepathy works both ways, i could send them how i'm feeling too.

february 5

i think sam is my new best friend. everyone finally started talking to me again. well, expect jillian. but i don't really care if she talks to me or not. i was so mad before, but it's okay. it was stupid.

sam is really good at drawing. i told her i liked to make art and she wanted to see, so i showed her some of my drawings of my angel. just the good ones. i didn't want to show her any of my collages because i think they might freak her out. no one understands demons. but she showed me some of her art and she's really good. she likes cartoons and anime and stuff, and she draws a lot of cute anime characters really well. it's so nice to finally be around someone who makes things.

maybe i'll show her my demon collages sometime. i just think she might take it the wrong way. but she also had cool drawings of fight scenes from anime that are super bloody and brutal, so maybe she would get it.

when i got home from school my mom had bought donuts and that was awesome. right now i'm just hanging out in my room and texting sam. she wants me to come over on the weekend :) i'm excited to go to school tomorrow just so i can talk to her again.

february 2

long time no see, diary.

i haven't had much to write about lately. school sucks, friends suck, parents suck. i think the only good thing in my life right now is music and art. i've been finding and cataloging more demons that i've come across in town. they get way worse during february, so i'm being extra vigilant. i think it's because february is the worst fucking month ever.

it helps to make art of them. i think the more i make, the less i see them in the real world. it's like they get trapped in the image.

i think the real reason i'm writing this now is because i had another dream about my angel last night. this isn't even a diary anymore. i should change the name to "angel sightings" or something. but anyway in the dream i was standing on this hill, or maybe like the edge of a cliff. it was all grey and cloudy and i could see my angel very far away in the clouds, just standing there like there was some surface hidden behind the cloud. maybe he was flying, but his wings weren't moving. and he wasn't looking at me, so i called to him. in the dream, i think i called a name. i don't even know his name though. but he looked my way.

the only reason i even came online today instead of wasting away in my room was because of this dream. because for the very first time ever, he smiled at me.

january 21

i hate pretending like everything is normal. my friends are acting like nothing happened. they wont even mention the party or the fact that they totally fucking flaked on me. jillian is the worst. she's acting all nice like she didn't do anything. we even hung out at the mall and she just talked about her stupid fucking crush the whole time.

i'm the fucking worst though. i didn't aay anything. i wanted to scream at her and make her tell me what i did and tell her that she really fucking hurt my feelings but i just didn't say shit. i just smiled and acted like i was listening. i'm such a pussy. but if i say anything i know she will just make excuses and get all my friends on her side and then everyone will hate me so i can't even do anything. this sucks so much. i hate my life.

the only thing that's been good about this week is that sam has been cool. i should still be mad at her because she also went to that party without telling me, but at least she's real about it. she said she was sorry. i don't know why they all like jillian at all anyway. she's such a spoiled brat.

i'm going to try to be more positive today. its the weekend. i want to relax and have fun on my own. i don't need anyone anyway.

january 15

i was really not looking forward to going back to school but sam texted me and asked to hang out tomorrow. she was at the party but she didn't mention it. she probably just wants things to not be weird between us when we go back. i don't really care though. i missed her and i just want my friends back.

the other night my angel was there again. he was standing on the other side of the pool of water and he wasn't moving, just staring at me. his wings were all droopy and he looked sad. i remember trying to yell at him in the dream. i think i was really upset, and the fact that he was so far away was making me more mad. then it started raining over the pool of water and i couldn't see my reflection in it anymore. i could barely even see my angel anymore, except for his halo which was glowing really bright.

maybe he knew i was sad and it was making him sad too. i just wish he would actually do something about it.

january 2

JILLIAN HAD A PARTY WITHOUT ME. WHAT THE FUCK. everyone is posting pictures like it was so fun!!! well great!! i hope you all had fun without me!!! not like i was wanting to see my friends again or anything!!!

i don't know what i did. what the fuck did i do wrong? it's like nobody wants anything to do with me anymore. i'm such an idiot. i never should have told her about my angel. i just wanted her to respond because she wouldn't text me back. but now she probably thinks i'm weird or that im just lying or whatever, and she probably told everyone else too so they could all laugh at me. fuck all of them.

i want to curl up and die.

january 1

new year wooooooo

whatever

not much to report on other than my mom getting so drunk at our house party. its so embarassing oh my god. my aunt was like totally enabling her too. they were both so annoying but they did let me drink champange so that was cool at least. i just wish i didn't have to spend the new year with my family. i thought jillian would invite me to her house but she never said anything?? like i know you have a party every year, you can't hide that from me?? if i found out she didn't invite me on purpose i swear to god i will punch her right in the face. not actually. but what the fuck gives. it's like we're fighting or something, but i literally didn't do anything to her. when we get back to school she'll have to talk to me. i hope she does.

anyway my new years resolution is of course to listen to more MCR like always. but i have a new one this year. i want to talk to my angel. i just can't seem to get close enough to him in my dreams, but i have to know what he's trying to tell me.

december 28

i'm just tired. for being winter break, this has been the least relaxing few weeks of my life. or wait. has it even been 2 weeks? god it's felt like months. christmas kind of sucked. i didn't get the only thing i asked for. my mom was like "what the hell do you need a sword for" and completely blew me off. so instead i just got some dinky little jewellery that isn't even my style. i don't really know what i was expecting though. my parents just love to embarass me and make me feel bad about everything in front of my whole family. my uncle made fun of my raccoon stripes and said i looked like daniel boone. like at least i have hair old man!! whatever. my friends haven't been messaging me much either. i guess everyone is just really busy right now.

my angel came back last night, though.

i had this dream that felt like it lasted for hours and hours. he was so far away, like at the edge of this very still pool of water. he was just watching me. i tried to call to him but my voice didn't come out at all. in the moment it felt kind of scary, but when i woke up, i just felt weird. i just want to talk to him, or at least see his face. i would ask him so many questions if i could. sometimes i feel like i might see him in real life, just standing across the street or something.

december 17

SCHOOLS OVERRRR!!!!!!! for now at least. i'm so happy i don't have to go back until NEXT YEAR. everyone thinks they're so funny saying that 'see you next year' shit. like as if it isn't just two weeks away. but anyway i'm finally free. i don't even want to do anything. it's too cold to go exploring outside and the mall is too crowded to hang out there. i think i will just chill in my room and listen to MCR and make edits. that's all i want to do. if anyone texts me i will just ignore them lol.

christmas is so soon it's crazy. i don't even feel like it's happening. i need to get gifts for everyone grrrrr. not enough time. i'm still hoping i get what i want this year >:3 i've been telling everyone in my family about it so they'll get the hint. maybe reverse-psychology is the better move though hmmm

december 12

this day fucking sucked. i don't really feel like talking about it. i wanted this diary to help me get stuff out of my head but i think it's just making me angrier. i know i failed my final test. i'm so fucking stupid. i didn't study at all because i was so distracted by my angel.

everytime i open my math book to study i just start drawing him on my notes. it's hard to get his face right because i don't really see it in my dreams. so i just keep drawing his wings over and over. and his sword is hard to draw, and that makes me even more angry. i feel bad for tearing up the drawing i did of him. i hope it doesn't hurt his feelings.

december 5

today, i'm not feeling so great.

my head hurts. my homework is piling up. my friends are fucking fake. i want to scream and punch walls until my throat tears open and my knuckles break. but i'm so excited for christmas. except that jillian is going to fucking disney world and i'm going to be stuck here. fake bitch. but i really hope my parents will actually get me what i've been asking for this year. like i've been hinting all year it's so obvious. but they never listen to me so i'm not even getting my hopes up.

i hope i have another dream tonight. they've been happening more and more often. maybe because i'm wishing for them. i hope that it's working.

take my fucking hand and never be afraid again